Question:

Hi. I’m not sure if this is the right newsgroup to post this, but decided to try anyway. I’m 26 and have been in and out of a relationship with a guy for almost 4-5 years. I am very much in love and have known about his panic disorder and anxiety since the beginning. His battle seems to be in waves. Since then I’ve moved to another town and carried on with my life. I am now successfully situated in my career and once again seeing him again. We talk every day and I see him as much as I can. I feel incredible when we are together, however he is so overwhelmed with his agoraphobia, as his Dr. is now calling it, that he can no longer travel, which makes it a little harder to see each other. I will never complain. He has been in the same town for almost 6 years besides a couple summers at a nearby college. He is 27 and is still fighting his way through school. He tells me he is unhappy and wishes he could be with me, but I can tell he is scared to ask for help or money. His parents seem to be no help. He is paying his medical insurance and therefore cannot afford a great doctor. He has been on and off different medicines (paxil, prozac), and is now taking Zoloft/Zanax, which seems to be helping. He doesn’t see a theraphist regularly because his doctor is more into treating it medically. My question is this. I’ve done some reading on the medical and CBT methods of theraphy, but there seems to be a great deal of discrepancy as to which is best. I want to help him, although, I know he has to fight this battle a lot on his own. I would do anything to see him happy. He hates me offering to fix everything, so I’ve pretty much stopped offering, and it makes him anxious me always looking after him, so I find myself acting as though I’m ignoring it. Should I just suffice with what I have, or should I keep offering my help. I’m willing to do anything I need to do to see him happy! I’d like to know if there is anyone out there with the same experience? Thanks…Jenni

Response:

Hi, Jenni…. Your post was very touching….your boyfriend is very lucky to have someone as understanding as you…….and you are just proof that this disorder affects those close to us just as much as it affects us….. Along with the frustration of dealing with panic, anxiety, and agoraphobia comes the added depletion of self-esteem….and this often affects the way we react to other people…..I don’t know if this is the case, but you might want to keep it in the back of your mind….Your boyfriend may seem to not want your help because he feels so badly about himself….:((  It makes him feel worse to think that he needs your support…:( I hope that you will stick it out….and hang with this guy…..and keep encouraging him to do things to improve his situation.  And I hope you will post again to the group to let us know how he is doing…..:)) MikeH – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My question is this. I’ve done some reading on the medical and CBT methods of theraphy, but there seems to be a great deal of discrepancy as to which is best. I want to help him, although, I know he has to fight this battle a lot on his own. I would do anything to see him happy. He hates me offering to fix everything, so I’ve pretty much stopped offering, and it makes him anxious me always looking after him, so I find myself acting as though I’m ignoring it. Should I just suffice with what I have, or should I keep offering my help. I’m willing to do anything I need to do to see him happy! I’d like to know if there is anyone out there with the same experience? Thanks…Jenni

Response:

Hi. I’m not sure if this is the right newsgroup to post this, but decided to try anyway.

This is the perfect place.  Lots of great helpful people here, too. Welcome  :) I’m 26 and have been in and out of a relationship with a guy for almost 4-5 years. I am very much in love and have known about his panic disorder and anxiety since the beginning.

It is wonderful that he can share this with you.  It is so important to have people who are close to you that will try to understand and help. His battle seems to be in waves. Since then I’ve moved to another town and carried on with my life. I am now successfully situated in my career and once again seeing him again. We talk every day and I see him as much as I can. I feel incredible when we are together, however he is so overwhelmed with his agoraphobia, as his Dr. is now calling it, that he can no longer travel, which makes it a little harder to see each other.

This is really tough since you are in another town.  That puts a real load on you to be the one who must always go where he is.  Many of the people in this group suffer from agoraphobia.  Maybe some of those who have overcome it can give you some suggestions.  I have it over certain issues and know how much of an obstacle it can be  :( I will never complain. He has been in the same town for almost 6 years besides a couple summers at a nearby college. He is 27 and is still fighting his way through school. He tells me he is unhappy and wishes he could be with me, but I can tell he is scared to ask for help or money. His parents seem to be no help.

I don’t have very much support either.  It is wonderful that you are there for him and trying to help.  He is paying his medical insurance and therefore cannot afford a great doctor. He has been on and off different medicines (paxil, prozac), and is now taking Zoloft/Zanax, which seems to be helping. He doesn’t see a theraphist regularly because his doctor is more into treating it medically. My question is this. I’ve done some reading on the medical and CBT methods of theraphy, but there seems to be a great deal of discrepancy as to which is best.

I just started seeing a pshrink a few months ago and it is worth every penny.  Cognitive behavior therapy is recommended highly to overcome the psychological issues associated with agoraphobia and panic disorder and depression.  The doc he is seeing seems to have a good grasp of pd (just by noting the different meds he has tried).  But it would be so good if he could get to a psychiatrist that has helped patients with this type of illness with CBT.  I want to help him, although, I know he has to fight this battle a lot on his own. I would do anything to see him happy. He hates me offering to fix everything, so I’ve pretty much stopped offering, and it makes him anxious me always looking after him, so I find myself acting as though I’m ignoring it. Should I just suffice with what I have, or should I keep offering my help. I’m willing to do anything I need to do to see him happy! I’d like to know if there is anyone out there with the same experience?

Maybe he feels like a burden to you and doesn’t want it to be that way.  I would suggest that you try to reassure him that he is not a burden and you are with him because you choose to be.  Tell him you want to help and ask him how you can help.  Beyond that, I think trying to ignore it is good advice too.  Treat him like a normal person and try to enjoy the relationship the way it is.   I think if I knew it would be ok if I didn’t get better, it would make it easier to get better. Thanks…Jenni

Thanks to you, too… for sharing. Cindy S

Response:

(snipped for space)   However (listed on the FAQ) is a book called "The Anxiety Disease" by   David Sheehan, MD.  This was first brought to my attention by the first Thanks…I’ve noticed Gary suggesting this one to others on the NG. I already have my library trying to get it for me!!!   One comment I didn’t make about myself, which I feel quite important.   I’m not, never was, and never will be what one would call an anxious   person. Seems a bit silly to have what’s called an "anxiety disorder"   when I’m not an anxious person. Just another "quirk" in classification.   If your BF has Panic Disorder (there are many other possible reasons for   agoraphobia), it needn’t be from anxiety. I think I "did" mention that   the "anticipatory anxiety" or "fear of the fear" of more panic attacks   (especially when in a trapped situation or out of a "safe zone"). This   is where the therapy comes in, and usually combined with medication. Yeah..you seem to be alike in that he isn’t what I would call an anxious person. Definitely a characteristic that drew me to him. I’m more of an anxious person than he is. He describes his problem as more of the "fear of the fear". His safe zone is anywhere close to hospitals and his home. His panic attacks come out of the blue. Being anywhere he may not have complete control. I can ride with him on his motorcycle all over the city, but if it’s bad weather and we have to drive, it is usually in separate cars. He needs that control.   But when "not" faced with these situations, I’m as calm as a cucumber:)         My work would have most people pacing and not sleeping, as I problem   solve and put out fires of sorts all the time. Without details, suffice   it to say that I get hit by many fronts on a daily basis, but it’s not a   cause of concern or anxiety. That’s just me I guess, as my father (who   has PD) isn’t anxious at all either. So the disorder for you is not pinpointed on being in control or being able to avoid situations where people are setting expectations of you? Like say for instance making an appointment with a client?? This wouldn’t make you anxious or trigger a PA? Is this trigger different with each person suffering from PD, or is the general suggestion of "being in control – or able to escape to safe zone easily" true, and the easy escape is different for different people?   "so called" mental disorders. It’s for diagnostics, but is an ongoing   process. The State of CO has recently classified Panic Disorder along   with other "neurological" diseases, and not mental! So is this saying they believe that it is a biological disease? Or is this for some legal reason?   Your BF isn’t weak, just probably doesn’t know where to turn, which is   all too common. I know he is anything but weak. He is very independent and tries to prove himself at all costs!   What’s a "trapped" situation?  Any place where one can’t easily get out   and/or get home (and quickly, in many cases). Restaurants, haircuts,   TRAFFIC and red lights, dentists, blah blah are all situations where one   feels "trapped" and therefore may begin to have a racing heart, sweaty   palms, and then "expect" a panic attack. This   *can* be controlable, with a strong C and or B approach, but it takes   work, and often a good guide (therapist in many cases). So what does the medication do? I’m thinking it dulls the brains symptoms of PD. And the CBT is the way to condition the person to reprogram the pattern of feeling the fear in certain situations?   I hope he’s able to find good help, as it’s not easy to overcome these   fears (that seem entirely real) and takes hard work, but patience,   tiny-tiny steps over time can and do work. Be patient and "try" to   understand that he really has little or no control over these thoughts   and "attacks" at this point in time. We talked last night for two hours. I could tell when he answered the phone that something was up. He seemed very on edge. He hadn’t been to his doctor in 3 months. He went yesterday to get a refill on his Zoloft and they told him his doctor had retired and his medical case had been closed. He is a very calm person, never pointing blame or hardly ever raising his voice. He debated with this person for over an hour and they were able to get him an appointment next Wednesday with a brand new doctor he knows nothing about. I think he feels kinda back at step 1. He doesn’t even know if they will change his medicine. His real fear is that he is now  out of Zoloft and only some Xanax left to tied him over till the appt. He’d had problems before, when quiting the Zoloft abruptly, so I think he’s a little nervous with what his side effects are going to be till the appt too. I felt for him so much and wanted to do something right then at 3am, but just listened and kept reinforcing the fact that he had every right to be upset and that I’d be more than willing to call the Mental Health Center or his retired doctor. He said thanks, but no. I think I convinced him to call and ask to speak with a doctor in hopes of getting his prescription filled sooner. These people he talked too (administration staff) had no idea what kind of medication he was on or the situation he was in. I’m kinda glad I wasn’t there, because I would have gone through the roof. It took every ounce of me not to let him see that, although I did let him know that I didn’t think this kind of thing was something he should expect, nor tolerate from his doctor. I guess I’ll just wait and see what happens.   However, the earlier the *proper* treatment, the greater the results and chances for full recovery.

Is there anyway I can suggest he get some CBT therapy besides looking like I’m trying to change him in some way or taking care of him. I don’t really think the doctor he was going too did much besides prescribe meds and give him some tapes. My BF did indicate the tapes help tremendously, but he also said he always seem to stop doing them when it gets to the point of facing his fear. This is really where I wish we could live together or in the same town. I think I might be able to offer the support needed for him to do that by just being his safety rope.   Elliott. Thanks again Elliott. Everyone in this NG has shed so much light on helping me understand what he is going through. Just in the last week I think we have stepped further in getting closer and him feeling stonger about including me in helping him fight his fears. Thanks! Jenni —                 " Every person I meet is my superior in                         some way, in that, I learn from them."       888888                          "88b               — Emerson                                         888                                                       888  .d88b.  88888b.             888 d8P  Y8b 888 "88b           888 88888888 888  888           88P Y8b.     888  888           888  "Y8888  888  888         .d88P                                                   .d88P"                                                    888P"

Response:

Related Posts