Question:

A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn’t have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided tojust go back to their new apartment after the wedding. The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy, and the third a dentist. They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn’t reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn’t tell anyone what he planned to do. A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear friends, we didn’t mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I’m gonna kill the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!"

Response:

Three hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas…… One says, "Boy is my wife dumb.  She’s so stupid that she went shoppin’ today and bought an air-conditioner… Hell, we ain’t got no electricity!" The others laugh. The other guy says, "Ah that ain’t nothin’, my wife’s dumber than that! She went shoppin’ yesterday and had a washin’ machine delivered."  He snickered, "Why nobody around here has plumbin’!" The others laugh. The third Hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman’s got to be the dumbest.  Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six rubbers.  Hell….. she ain’t got no penis!"

Response:

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.  She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local  vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"  attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.  Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.  She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the  swamp bank.  Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.  The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blond flips the alligator on it’s back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!"

Response:

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Response:

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.  "Doctor," he said, "I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair.  She can’t possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said.  "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors my have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn’t possible," the man insisted.  "We’re pure Oriental." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this.  How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed.  "I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month." "There you have it!" the  doctor said confidently. "It’s just rust."

Response:

A priest and a young nun were lost in a terrible snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted and chilled to the bone, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I`ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, "Father, I`m cold." Grumbling under his breath, the priest unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it over her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep… Just then, the nun once again said, "Father, I`m still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up, put another blanket on her and got back into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I`m sooooo cold." This time, he just remained there and said, "Sister, I have a great idea. We`re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let`s just pretend we`re married." The nun smiled and said, in a warm come-hither voice, "That`s just fine by me." To which the priest yelled: "Get up and get your own damn blanket!"

Response:

Seen on the back of a Harley-Davidson Tee Shirt: "If you can read this, my bitch fell off."

Response:

"I bet you don’t know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation. His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Response:

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"? The first blonde replies, "Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful…" "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I’m afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when  we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the  pearly gates in disgust and tells her she’s wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes,  "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued… "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Response:

A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." "What do you mean?" "All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back!  Get the quarter back!"

Response:

How To Tell If You Have PMS Everyone around you has an attitude problem. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans Your partner is suddenly agreeing to everything you say You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper – sticker that Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male You’re counting down the days until menopause You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you only bought it yesterday

Response:

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee.  He made it himself and was so proud.  He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.  The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it’s like on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.’"

Response:

One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge—a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead. To the blonde he said , "I am the president of the united states. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes…. Get my panties as low as my wages…get that thing of yours as hard as the times… Keep it high as the gas prices…keep me warmer than my apartment…and…screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President , it ain’t gonna cost you a cent."

Response:

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as humans. What’ll it be?" The first priest says, "I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."  "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?"  "No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I’ve always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" Asketh the Lord.  "He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Response:

A gynecologist decides that he’d had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible. "200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?" So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the muffler."

Response:

A director is screen testing Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be. Stallone says "I like Mozart.  I want to be Mozart" So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?" And Arnie says "Ah’ll be Bach!"

Response:

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.  The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I’m not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I’m afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered.  "But she’s a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you,  Mr. Smith.  Nuns are not ’spinsters;’ they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith.  "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Response:

A modest Irish young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you’re too damn close!" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk, "I’m quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied, innocently lowering her lashes.

Response:

recently there was a very important meeting between God, Moses and the Pope. They were troubled because of the way President Bill was behaving. They decided the only course of action was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.  The problem was how to word it so it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration to others.  After prolonged meditation and discussion, they decided on: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Response:

Sorry to jump in on You Daisy, but this string of Jokes is a great idea. Please find below a joke I just received from my father in law to add to your string. Mindy : ) MY LAST WISH Two Irishmen, Murphy and O’Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, "O’Brian, come ‘ere  O’Brian. I ‘ave a request for ye." O’Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down. "O’Brian, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m dying ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do." O’Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It’s done." "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend’s request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?" – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

Response:

Loved it Mindy!!  Thanks for sharing and making us smile! Daisy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Sorry to jump in on You Daisy, but this string of Jokes is a great idea. Please find below a joke I just received from my father in law to add to your string. Mindy : ) MY LAST WISH Two Irishmen, Murphy and O’Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, "O’Brian, come ‘ere  O’Brian. I ‘ave a request for ye." O’Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down. "O’Brian, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m dying ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do." O’Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It’s done." "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend’s request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Response:

Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it. They called on the priest. He was known to have success in dealing with problematic behavior. He agreed to see them, but only one at a time. The younger brother went first. He walked in and the priest asked him, "Where is God?", in a mild voice. The younger brother just sat there. The priest asked again, "Where’s God?" The boy again just sat there. The priest tried once more, in a very annoyed and angered voice, "Tell me son, WHERE IS GOD?". Terrified, the boy ran out of the room and straight to his room at home, where he hid under the bed. His older brother came in and asked what was wrong. The younger boy said, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!".

Response:

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship: "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded. The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?"

This is your best to date Ma’am.

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